


Sehnsucht

by sepherina



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-29
Updated: 2015-06-29
Packaged: 2018-04-06 18:37:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4232505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sepherina/pseuds/sepherina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sehnsucht<br/>ˈzeɪnzuːxt,German ˈzeːnzʊxt/<br/>noun<br/>literary<br/>yearning; wistful longing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sehnsucht

**Author's Note:**

> It's another reincarnation au hooray!   
> Sorry about any mistakes with spelling or grammar, let me know and I'll fix them, and tell me what you think of this :D

When Eren was old enough to speak at 18 months of age, the first word that came out of his mouth was not ‘mama’ or ‘papa. It was ‘wish’. At the time, although his parents were slightly bewildered, they didn’t think much of it.

When he was old enough to properly grip a pencil, he drew a messy symbol of overlapping wings with a fiery-red crayon. ‘Oh look Grisha, maybe our boy has artistic talent,’ his mother had smiled at the time.

When he was five and came home from his first day of kindergarten, he had cried fiercely and run into his mother’s open arms. Later, when she asked him why, he had said, ‘None of the other kids remember what I was talking about.’ Then when she asked him what he remembered, he had shook his head and refused to tell her any more.

It was in fifth grade when the memory became too strong, too vivid and filled with horrible details for him to deny or brush off as simply imagination. It was also the first time the recurring dreams had begun. They had started off as short snippets, like extracts from a novel. The unused and abandoned castle that had served as headquarters for what was called the ‘Recon Corps’, sitting on top of a quiet hill, overlooking a forest of tall cedar trees. The soft, warm light cast by the fire after a long day of training in the barracks. The rows and rows of stables filled with horses bred and trained to run. The narrow, winding dirt roads that lead to houses and homes, and the slightly less shabby main street, just barely paved with stone filled with hundreds of people streaming along. The piercing crystal blue of the sky, dotted with white clouds, cut off by tall walls, taller than the oldest of the cedar trees in the great forest. The feeling of an uneasy peace lingering in the air, trapped within the safety of these walls. Then the dreams became more frequent, more gruesome. His mother, eaten alive by a titan, the splattering of red that exploded from her limp body. Discovering the amazing ability of being able to turn into a titan himself, the form of something he had a burning hatred for. Joining the Recon Corps after graduating from military training, vowing to kill all the titans even if it was the last thing he did. Meeting Corporal Levi’s squad. Meeting Corporal Levi. Eren knew these dreams came to him out of order, but bit by bit he was able to piece them together, like a puzzle, forming one tragic story.

A couple of weeks afterwards, after constant nights of tossing and turning, afraid to fall asleep knowing what would await him more often than not, he decided to ask his mother about his dreams. But all she had done was laugh gently and place her hand on his cheek before telling him it was wonderful that he had such a vivid imagination. When he had tried telling her, no, this was real, it was a past life, he wasn’t making it up, she had ruffled his hair and told him to go outside and enjoy the sunshine. That was the last time he tried talking to someone about his memories.

When he started attending high school, full of misplaced anger and determination of steel, he came home sulking with a scowl on his face and a suspension note in his hand. It turned out he had broken someone’s nose and split another person’s lip in what he called a ‘valiant defence of his friend’s honour’. It also turned out that this friend was Armin Arlert, a boy with chin length blonde hair and blue eyes with a sense of unspeakable sorrow. The next day, Mikasa Ackerman, an Asian girl with long black hair from his English class, knocked at his door and told him that she had been suspended too, for finishing the job. ‘They won’t be bothering Armin anymore’, she had murmured softly, tugging at the red scarf wrapped around her neck. When he asked her why she did it, she had simply shrugged and said, ‘They were pissing me off.’ They spent the rest of the day at the local park, swinging on the swings and talking. That afternoon after school Armin had found the two of them and thanked them graciously before bursting into tears. Alarmed, Eren had turned into a flustered mess trying to calm him down, and Mikasa had dug in her pockets for a packet of tissues before offering them to Armin. The three of them became the best of friends.

                                                                        _∞∞∞_

Armin and Mikasa had been the first people in Eren’s life to share his memories. They had been talking about video games one afternoon on the swings in the park, in ninth grade, when Eren had mentioned the word titans. He had immediately caught the flicker of recognition in Armin’s eyes as they widened.

“Armin, do you know, uh, something?” Eren tentatively asked.

Armin snorted, before replying, “Yes Eren I know a lot more than you do.”

Eren punched his arm and rolled his eyes. “I know smarty-pants, but I think you know what I’m talking about here.”

There was a pause, before Armin spoke again.

“The titans?”

“Yeah, the titans,” both boys whipped their heads around to stare a Mikasa, who was leaning against the swing structure.

 “I can’t believe you guys remember it too,” Armin whispered.

“Are you kidding me, I thought I was crazy, being the only one to remember stuff,” Eren retorted, pushing chestnut hair out of his eyes.

“To be honest I thought I was slightly insane too,” Mikasa murmured.

“When did you start remembering?” Armin spoke.

“When I was four, I think, when I was old enough to start remembering I guess,” Eren shrugged.

“Only half a year ago, actually,” Mikasa responded.

Armin nodded, “Me too.”

The three of them had talked for hours, finally having each other to confide in and talk to about things that had been weighing on their minds. The sun had set and the park lights cast a warm glow over the three. The summer haze had cooled down into a cool breeze. 

“How much do you guys remember?” Armin was staring at the setting sun behind the city.  

“I…I remember up to…I think, the 67th mission was it?” Eren began.

“You mean the one when an entire army of aberrant titans descended on us?” Mikasa tugged at her scarf.

“Yeah, that one,” Eren nodded. “Like, I remember Corporal L-Levi, uh, give the attack order, and then I moved to transform, you know, but nothing…nothing after that.”

Armin and Mikasa both pretended not to notice his stutter over Levi’s name.

“I think I died on that mission,” Armin pondered, “well my past self I mean, ‘cos my memories don’t go any further than that.”

“Sorry I couldn’t save you,” Mikasa’s voice wavered. 

“Oh no, it’s not your fault,” the blonde pulled her in for a hug, “besides you saved me plenty this life already.”

“You know, the last few days of the mission was hell. Almost everyone was dead, Eren was missing in action, and Corporal Levi had a complete breakdown,” Mikasa confessed. “I think I was the last of the 104th alive.”

Eren’s breath caught at the mention of Corporal Levi.

“I’m sorry for dragging you guys into such a mess,” Eren looked down, picking at his nails, “and I’m sorry I couldn’t save you guys either.”

“But the important thing is that we are here together again this life, alright?” Armin countered with a smile. “So let’s make every moment count.”

                                                                        _∞∞∞_

Eren remembered everything about Levi. The way his storm-grey eyes slightly slanted upwards. The way they seemed to look right through you. The way his eyebrows were almost always drawn together in a scowl, except when he laughed. When he did laugh, his whole face lit up. Eren had lived for those moments. He remembered the way the stray strands of silky black hair would fall into his eyes when they got too long, and the way his undercut felt under Eren’s hand. He remembered the way Levi would quietly encourage him in that blunt way, or cheer him up with terrible puns. He remembered the feel of his muscles and the way Levi’s fingers trailed over his skin. He remembered the way he moaned when Eren kissed him just the way he liked it, and the sounds of his name falling from Levi’s lips. He remembered the countless promises they made each other, but knew could never be fulfilled. Yet he had been happy with what they had. He had been happy with Levi.

Eren woke up with a raging boner and an aching heart. How he ended up with both these misfortunes he had no idea. He checked the clock on his bedside table. Ten o’clock in the morning. What day was it again? Oh that’s right Sunday. He shifted out of bed and shuffled his way to the bathroom. Wasn’t he supposed to be meeting with Armin and Mikasa at the library today? Being a senior was such a drag; there was so much _studying_ to do. The morning air was already warm and humid. God, summer really needed to chill. He stepped in front of the mirror and peered at his reflection. Oh lord those eye bags were bad. He pressed on the bruised skin under his eyes and sighed.

 Eren had had trouble sleeping lately and Levi had been popping up in his dreams more often than not. It was three years after that afternoon on ninth grade when he, Armin and Mikasa had talked and cried and laughed about their lives as part of the Recon Corps, and along the way he had met Annie, Bertholdt and Reiner, who also had vague recollections of their past life. Then Jean and Marco resurfaced and they also remembered bits and pieces of the titan era. Ymir, Christa, Sasha and Connie had transferred into the school in tenth grade, and the old 104th trainee squad was complete. He had met the rest of Levi’s squad, Petra, Erd, Gunther and Auruo in senior school, when they came to the school to give a presentation as university students. The reunion had been full of sobbing on Petra’s part, wide grins from Erd and Gunther, and no matter how much Auruo denied it, he had shed a tear or two. But upon inquiring, none of them in their twenty-four, twenty-five years had seen Erwin, Hanji, or most importantly, Levi. ‘Sehnsucht’ was the word Armin had said once. It was German for ‘wistful longing’.

He didn’t really feel like jacking off now. The thoughts that were swimming around his brain were too depressing for jacking off. Instead he stepped inside the shower and turned the cold water on and let it run over his body. Ten minutes later, he was closing the front door behind him and walking along the suburban streets. It was unusually busy for a Sunday morning. As he rounded the corner, a screech of rubber and the smell of smoke stopped him in his tracks.

There were two cars angled sideways at an intersection, more vehicles pulling to a stop behind the two. People were opening their doors and craning their necks to catch a glimpse of what had happened. Eren followed their line of sight, to the form of a crushed motorcycle laying on its side, next to a car which was dented considerably. Beside it laid a figure, his hair a familiar shade of black. Eren’s heart clenched. Please no. Dear God please do not let it be who he thought it was. His feet took off in the man’s direction, sprinting around the bend and towards the now-dented pole where the motorcycle lay. He knelt down, gently pushing the man’s hair out of his eyes. Eren’s stomach dropped. Silver eyes stared up at him, widening marginally, before his lips curved upwards in a smile.

“Levi,” Eren choked out, grabbing his hand.

The blood was slick and scarlet red, pooling around Levi alarmingly fast.

“Eren,” Levi smiled, before coughing up a mouthful of blood. “I finally found you.”

“You asshole, where were you?” Eren demanded, one hand gripping Levi’s and the other brushing the short hairs of his undercut.

“Hey, hey, don’t cry, everything’s going to be alright,” Levi whispered soothingly.

“It’s not alright, god, how can you say that you’re dying,” Eren’s voice wavered, his vision blurring with tears.

“Yes it is; I finally got to see you,” Levi’s hand trembled as he lifted it up to Eren’s cheek.

“You can’t die now, we haven’t seen the world together like we promised remember,” Eren sobbed furiously. “You can’t die, y-you can’t leave – “

“Shh, it’s okay, it’s okay, everything’s going to be okay, we’ll see the world together one day, I promise.”

There was a crowd gathering around the two now, but Eren hardly noticed. His jeans were getting soaked with blood, his tears leaving salt-streaks running down his face.

“You’re so beautiful Eren,” Levi’s voice was hoarse now.

Eren tightened his grip on Levi’s hand.

“So are you,” he whispered back.

They didn’t need to tell each other they loved each other, they both already understood. Even though they hadn’t met in this life, hadn’t gotten to know each other and live and laugh and grow old together, Eren knew that he was always Levi’s, the same way Levi was always his.

“Eren, promise me one thing.”

“What is it Levi?”

“You have to promise me.”

“Okay, anything for you.”

 Levi smiled, one of his rare ones that almost lit up his face, if it wasn’t for the pained crease between his eyebrows and the spread of blood.

“Promise me that you will live, and find happiness,” Levi coughed again, a harsh, rattling cough that shook his entire body.

Suddenly, he seemed very small and frail. Eren cradled him in his lap.

Eren nodded, swallowing thickly, “I promise.”

Levi’s lips curved upwards one last time as his eyelids fluttered shut. Eren felt Levi’s hand grow limp in his grip, as his hand fell away from Eren’s cheek. He clenched his jaw as his heart constricted painfully. He closed his eyes, and tilted his face up towards the bright blue sky as the tears flowed freely down his face. All the time that they could have spent together, cruelly pulled away from his outstretched fingertips. So close, yet so far. He longed for the happiness Levi brought him, the happiness he knew he wouldn’t be able to find no matter how hard he searched. But he had promised. And he would try his best to fulfil that promise.

 _Sehnsucht_. _Yearning, or wistful longing._


End file.
